Still Here…

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a blog. I’ve tried to sit down and write but nothing has come out right. This may be no different. I’ve been processing so much. I like to write about things that are finished; lessons learned. But this year has been one big stream of consciousness. In fact, I just got home after emceeing a wonderful event. I threw on my big red robe that my grandmother gave me, just so you know what type of oversized swath of wonderfulness it is. My make up is worn off. I replaced my high heels with oversized Marriott resort slippers. I’m eating curry, rice and peas that my mother made as I sit at my kitchen island trying to process this fantastic night and how it fits into this wonderfully purposeful year. I did not specifically ask for any of it. But I willed the hell out of it my way.

You see six months ago I quietly declared to myself that this is not the year where I would merely react to my circumstances. I wasn’t going to stay on defense. That was SOOOO 2016! I knew that while my circumstances may not change, I certainly had to. This was the year that I would become proactive. This is the year that I would make things happen for myself. This was not the year to hope and dream. This was the year to work harder than I ever had before. I’m not even talking about news. I’m talking about life. Please believe the devil is BUSY. No red carpet has ever been rolled out for this chick. But my level of unbotheredness is so high, I am physically unable to process anything that doesn’t align with who I know myself to be or where I know I’m going.

Let’s be perfectly clear, I had NO CLUE what better would look and feel like. You know what, I didn’t need to. I just had to be ready for a complete 180 and God, aka my homeboy, was like okay cool lets go! How about you meet this person “randomly.” (P.S. Nothing is random with my God.) A meeting for work turns into another life lesson. Delivering a keynote address to high school girls feels like pure MAGIC. Better is peeling myself off of my very cozy and comfortable sheets at 5:30 many mornings to get my butt kicked at HIIT class. Or coming home drenched in sweat after a spin class. It’s drinking less wine…wait…I take that back. It’s not trying to prove anything to anyone. It’s being honest about where and how I’ve struggled even when I’m told I’ve shared too much. It’s perfecting the blank stare during conversations I choose not to engage in. (Did someone say womp, womp, womp, womp?) It’s walking away, not turning back and not feeling bad about it. It’s cheering on friends as they celebrate new developments in their lives. It’s encouraging my mentees. It’s being super grateful about the dopeness that is my life right now!

Each moment that I’ve recognized as magical has involved a woman who stepped in and had my back. Sometimes it’s an old friend. Many times it’s a new friend or stranger. A woman who gave me an opportunity. A woman who taught me something new or didn’t make me feel crazy.

Last night a friend told me, “you’re the same person no matter the circumstance.” I’m glad I have a better handle on who that person is. Maybe it’s because I’ll be 35 in just a few days. I’m happy that I give her permission to show up daily in her awkward, imperfect way.

Still, I can’t fully explain this “shift” and where it’s going. For now I’m going to make tea and just ruminate on the awesomeness of the people I met tonight and the friendships that were deepened.

If I have learned anything, it’s that I’m clearly not in control. Whatever it is, it’s definitely happening for me and not to me.

As Prophetess Remy Ma so eloquently declared in the Book of Shether, “Will.Not.Lose.”

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2 Comments

  1. Tenikka
    June 2, 2017

    I.LOVE.THIS! Keep embracing it all & watch God continue to show up & show out!

  2. MUM
    June 2, 2017

    “And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
    ― Haruki Murakami

    Storms come and go in everyone’s life. Some are minor some are major. In order to use us, God sets in motion a plan for shaping us into the kind of person He wants us to be. Sometimes that means we experience awful pain, giving up what we want to keep, and going forward into areas we’d rather leave unexplored. As a Christian, we believe that if we are going to be used by the Lord for His purposes, that process has to take place.
    Always remember that you have to go through the valleys of challenges to get to the mountaintops of celebration. God, aka ‘your home boy’ has a promise for you; “The best is yet to come and you are on your way to receive it”. I am proud of you.
    MUM***

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